


Yes, Maybe or Absolutely

by codewc (orphan_account)



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Arguing, Autoerotic Asphyxiation, Established Relationship, Gen, Humor, Lesbian Character, Love Confessions, M/M, Phase Four (Gorillaz)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 10:55:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11273997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/codewc
Summary: You'd think after 20+ years, they wouldn't be so scared of the L Word.





	Yes, Maybe or Absolutely

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really excited about this fic. Not only is it the longest one-shot I've written to date, but it's based on an episode of another TV series! Yeah, it's one of those. 
> 
> This entire fic is based completely on S2E06 of Bojack Horseman, so if you've seen it then you'll know how this fic is gonna turn out. I'm so unoriginal rip. I hope you do enjoy it though! I'd like to thank my friend @longest-crystal on tumblr for editing this!!

 

 

“…authorities are calling it a ‘mishap of a sexual nature’” the co-host reads from the key card, then turns to smile at her partner. “What does _that_ mean?” he asks in an exaggerated naive tone, pulling an identical smile and scratching his temple. “Oh, you know,” she leans to him, brings her hand to her face and looks to the screen, enunciating each syllable with a playful rhythm, “auto-erotic asphyxiation.” Her partner flails his arms, mocking a shocked face. “What-?!” They both proceed to laugh.

Murdoc pays no mind to the two hosts on the television, busying himself with zipping up his jacket. It’s some dumb morning talk show that Noodle likes to watch, and apparently left on when she went out. Stuart, currently in the kitchen, insists that Murdoc not turn it off because he’s still waiting for “the bit where they show off their accessory dogs.” Murdoc grunts as he smooths down the front of his pant legs, accidentally catching another of the co-hosts’ announcements.

“In other news, there’s a new food truck downtown – and it only serves gravy!”

Murdoc is intrigued, and carries the information over to the kitchen. “Did you hear? New food truck. We should go.”

“I’m in.” Russel says, pouring coffee into his mug. Stuart doesn’t answer, but instead asks “can I have some money? It’s pizza day today.” Murdoc, still rather tired, doesn’t snap at him. He instead absentmindedly digs in his back pocket for his wallet. “Sure,” he hands a couple of notes to Stuart, “where is it pizza day?”

Stuart smiles and rubs his stomach with an open palm. “In my tummy,” he quips, causing Murdoc to groan in reply. Before Murdoc can grab the money back, Stuart has bolted out of the kitchen and plopped himself on the sofa to continue watching the show. Murdoc then turns his attention to Russel sipping his coffee.

“Hey, do you mind zipping me up?” he says against the cup’s lid, and Murdoc moves. His hands linger on the back of Russel’s chiffon dress, then attends to the zipper. “My shoulder is killing me,” Russel complains, rubbing said shoulder, “I’m not sleeping right. We gotta do something about that bed.”

By “that bed”, Russel means Murdoc’s bed. Russel barely sleeps in his own room as of late, and mainly uses it for his craft projects. Most of his final products, and even his personal belongings, end up in Murdoc’s room. And Murdoc really doesn’t mind (that taxidermy bear is too aesthetically pleasing for him to have it removed). Murdoc also doesn’t mind waking up next to Russel in the mornings, and has eased into being woken up earlier by him. Not that Murdoc would tell Russel any of this.

Murdoc apologetically kisses Russel’s shoulder, then moves to his side to reach for the nutty candy bar sitting on the counter. “I propped it up with the Grammy” Murdoc mentions before biting into the bar. Russel looks at Murdoc, bemused by that statement. “Yeah, but it still wobbles.” Murdoc follows Russel to the living room, and dismisses the subject.

“Anyway, I’m gonna be heading out. Do you need anything?”

Russel thinks, taking another sip from his coffee. “Actually, I needed to pick up my Xanax from the clinic. Do you mind-?” “Not at all,” Murdoc says, placing his hand on Russel’s shoulder for leverage as he goes on his tippy-toes to press a kiss against Russel’s cheek. “Okay, I gotta go. Dinner tonight?”

“Definitely. Let’s hit that gravy truck.” Murdoc chuckles, then presses another kiss to Russel’s lips. Murdoc is on his way out, but turns and waves casually back at Russel. “’Kay, love ya.”

The atmosphere in the room takes a nosedive. Murdoc stares back at Russel, his hand hanging lamely in the air. As several seconds of silence pass, the two eventually look away, making non-committal noises. Even Stuart stares, his mouth agape in shock, several crumbs landing on his shirt.

A tight grip of panic catches at Murdoc’s heart. He has never said that before. Hell, even Russel had never said that before. This establishing phrase has been a little over two decades overdue now, and having it so absentmindedly addressed is embarrassing for both parties. A million scenarios flash through Murdoc’s head, and much to his luck, he chooses possibly one of the worst ones.

He suddenly gestures his index finger at Russel and dons a poor imitation of a playful smile. His voice cracks as he announces, “No I don’t!”

This poor attempt at covering up the confession only throws Russel off more, making him squint at Murdoc. Then Murdoc comically runs away, knocking into the umbrella stand and dropping his candy bar as he does so.

Once outside, Murdoc curses himself for what just took place. _No, I don’t?_ Wow, that’s a whole lot better. He could have just left it at _I love you_. Russel would’ve understood, but now Murdoc has planted one foot in the grave he’s dug for himself.

What’s worse, Murdoc can’t find his car keys in his jacket pocket, and kicks the ground in frustration. He can’t go back inside, because that would mean confronting Russel. And Russel will want an explanation. And Murdoc just… can’t explain it, because he can barely understand why he had said it himself and-

Murdoc spots a man riding down the sidewalk on his bicycle. Without hesitation, Murdoc runs over to him, knocks him off his bike and hurriedly gets on it and rides up the hill. He rationalises that it isn’t the worst thing he’s done today.

 

* * *

 

Strangely enough, Murdoc finds Noodle at the food truck.

She has a gravy stain on her shirt. Murdoc wouldn’t have noticed if she hadn’t immediately pointed it out as soon as he approached her. “Can you believe this? They don’t even sell bowls. Only gravy!” In the midst of her rant, Noodle finally sees the bike Murdoc has leaning against his side. “Whose bike is that?”

Murdoc’s eyes dart about, his fingers drumming against the handle bar as he tries to conjure up an excuse. “2D’s. He was gonna start using it today, but I nicked it.”

Noodle cocks an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed, but lets it slide.

Murdoc, still partially panicking, wants to ask Noodle for advice. Despite being much younger than Murdoc (he could be and practically is her father), it’s been proven time and time again that Noodle has some form of wisdom in her that Murdoc doesn’t seem to possess. And it isn’t as if he’s gonna ask Stuart for fuckall regarding this situation, (he also won’t admit that Noodle and Stuart are the only other two friends he has).

“Hey, Noodle, stupid question but... hypothetically, if one of your girlfriends said _“I love you”_ and then _“no I don’t”_ , would you need to talk about it and ask her what she meant by that? Probably not, right? Because words are just meaningless, right? I mean, language evolves constantly so there’s no concrete way to judge anyone’s words and/or motivations so why bother ever speaking to each other ever, right?”

Noodle blinks at Murdoc, incredulous. “I’m not even sure what _you_ just said made any sense to me.” Murdoc sighs. Then, as if on cue, his phone rings.

Murdoc doesn’t reach for it to stop the ringing. No, he just awkwardly stands there and internally wills it to magically stop on its own. Noodle glances at Murdoc’s jacket pocket containing the ringing phone, then looks back up at Murdoc. “Uh,” Noodle hesitates, “your phone is ringing.”

“I know” Murdoc confirms, his shoulders tensing further as the ringing continues. Noodle becomes increasingly more uncomfortable, and shifts where she stands. “Murdoc, you’re acting weirder than usual,” Noodle comments, glancing round at the irritated bystanders who are also waiting for the ringing to stop, “and that’s saying something since it’s... well, you.”

 Murdoc sighs in relief when the ringing abruptly cuts off. He carefully takes the phone out of his pocket and confirms his fear that it was indeed Russel calling him. He’s embarrassed at how he has Russel’s contact info saved under “Big Russ” like some bloody pet name. God, he really did love him, didn’t he?

“That’s because,” Murdoc stuffs the phone back in his pocket with a huff, “eventually I’m going to have to go back home today and have a long, awkward conversation with Russel about our relationship.”

Then, as Murdoc glances at Noodle’s bowlful of gravy, it hits him. An epiphany washes over Murdoc, leaving a slight glow to his face. “Unless, I _don’t_ go home today. Oh, sweet Faust, Noodle!”

Murdoc grabs Noodle’s shoulders, causing her to jump in alarm. She curses under her breath as some of the gravy spills onto the pavement. “You’re a genius!” Murdoc announces, and every other person nearby turns their attention to the two, much to Noodle’s embarrassment.

 

* * *

 

After Murdoc begs and pleads and bargains with Noodle, she eventually caves. It’s not like he’s going to stop following her around even if she said no, so there is no point in arguing with him.

“Don’t embarrass me.” Noodle orders, wagging her finger at Murdoc. “I don’t want you making a fool of me in front of my friends, understand?” Murdoc nods, willing to agree to anything for his plan to carry through. Then Murdoc quirks a brow. “Wait, I thought you said you didn’t have any friends.”

Noodle frowns, her brow wrinkling as she does so. “I met them online,” she folds her arms and shuts her eyes in confidence, “this is our first meetup.”

“Oh, so they’re those nerds who play video games for children, right?” Murdoc tilts his head to the side, genuinely curious. Noodle stares wide-eyed in offense, and is about to defend, but pauses to think for a moment. “Yeah,” she concedes, then rests her hands on her hips with a sigh. “Listen, just shut up, okay? There’s going to be this really cool girl there that I want to impress.”

Murdoc continues to nod, not actually caring much in the first place. Whatever excuses him from the house for a couple of hours is all that matters to him right now.

Thankfully, Noodle’s friends were all around her age. It isn’t as if Murdoc didn’t trust Noodle, he just doesn’t trust some weirdos on the web that might take advantage of its accessibility to well-meaning youths.

Noodle’s posse consisted of dark-skinned, fashionably adept, loud 20-somethings. There was one quiet boy, one confident girl, and two androgynous figures that referred to themselves as “they”. The girl, Murdoc assumes, is the one Noodle wants to impress. She’s not at all shy when acknowledging Murdoc’s presence.

“Who’s this, Noodle? Your dad?”

Murdoc gasps in disbelief. “You don’t know who I am? I’m Mu-“ Noodle kicks Murdoc in the shin and ignores his pained groan. “Yeah, he’s having boyfriend troubles so he’s hanging out with us today.” Murdoc lifts his leg to massage his injured shin and glares up at Noodle. He would’ve liked to know beforehand that they were pretending not to be the Gorillaz for today.

The girl grins. “Oh, cool,” she says, and turns to the other three. Murdoc doesn’t know exactly what’s so cool about having a father with relationship problems follow you around, but he’s glad that he’s been so easily accepted into the group regardless.

He trails behind them and watches as they play the cabinets at open arcades, drink tall milkshakes at dessert shops and discuss current political events that Murdoc himself isn’t aware of. He learns that the girl’s name is Eliyah, the two genderless figures are Kai and Lucien respectively, and the boy is Skyler. Noodle easily fits in with them, actively joining in conversation and enjoying herself. There’s a thin layer of happiness for Noodle that spreads over Murdoc’s repressed internal panic. It’s comforting.

It was getting rather late, and before Murdoc knew it the group is packing it up for the day. Noodle has her arm hooked through Eliyah’s and they’re on their way to either’s place for the night. Kai and Lucien plan on catching the train early for their morning classes. Skyler lingers idly in the booth, though, and Murdoc slaps his shoulder.

“How about we ditch this prissy palace and go to a pub, eh?” Murdoc offers, and Skyler doesn’t hesitate. “Yeah, sure, I could go for a drink.” Excellent.

 

* * *

 

Skyler and Murdoc clink their beer bottles, throw their heads back and each take a big, simultaneous gulp. Skyler wipes his mouth with his sleeve and drums his fingers on the bar countertop. “I really needed this” he thanks Murdoc, who can’t remember when he learned his name. “Me, too.”

“Yeah. Man, this day has been really hard on me. Ever since I heard about that guy on the news who died from the ol’ strokey-chokey.”

Murdoc’s eyebrow arches in surprise. Skyler is weirdly talkative for someone who reserved himself for most of the day, but Murdoc decides to entertain him.

“Strokey-chokey?”

Skyler nods. “Y’know, the two-neck squeeze. One hand on the Adam’s apple and the other one on...” Skyler gestures, then lowers his voice, “Adam’s banana.”

Murdoc exclaims “oh!” when it dawns on him, then feels unbelievably awkward. He really doesn’t want to be discussing this with Noodle’s friend that he just met today. Especially someone thirty years his junior. “Uh- “

“That could’ve been me, y’know? I used to be into that kind of stuff. A hardcore gasper,” Skyler takes another chug of his beer.

“I can’t believe you have so many names for it,” Murdoc says, not knowing what else to contribute to this conversation. He had always been curious, sure, but this isn’t exactly how he pictured first learning about it.

“And now I can’t stop thinking about it!” Skyler rests his chin in his palm, looking terribly upset. “Like, I shouldn’t be alive right now, y’know?” Skyler looks to Murdoc, who only leans away. “We don’t need to talk about how you wank, mate.”

“The orgasms you get-“-aaand I guess we do-“-it’s like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colours!” Skyler looks off into the distance in wonder, and Murdoc takes another swig of his beer.

“It’s too dangerous.” Skyler decides, and turns back to look at Murdoc. “They say if you bite down on a lemon, it gives you the jolt you need to not pass out and die. But still…” he lightly thumps his fist against his chest, “you’re just rolling the dice.”

Murdoc’s brow furrows. Not even the beer can distract him form how bizarre this situation is. “Okay, so, this is getting pretty graphic. Can we maybe talk about anything else?”

Skyler grins, then shrugs. “Sure, man.”

Murdoc sighs in relief, then reaches for his beer.

“You know, actually, my new thing is the bible. Have you accepted Jesus into your life?”

Murdoc is exhausted just by that one statement and is prepared to give up this entire plan right there on the spot. He checks his watch. It’s just a little over eleven. He doesn’t answer Skyler, but instead asks, “how far is Fairview Clinic from here?”

 

* * *

 

 

 The house is completely still when Murdoc arrives. He goes straight to his room without thinking. He peeks through the door and sees Russel seemingly asleep under the blankets.

Murdoc takes off his clothes as quietly as he can manage, leaving only his boxers on. He turns and sees Russel still undisturbed, and is filled with relief that his plan has gone rather smoothly.

He climbs into the bed with a satisfied hum, but jumps as Russel turns to face him. “I called you, Murdoc,” Russel says, sounding quite hurt. It leaves a pang in Murdoc’s chest. “Um, listen Russel, I was-“-Noodle told me where you were.” Russel’s voice is dry now, and the way he looks at Murdoc is rather…detached. Murdoc becomes incredibly anxious.

“Russel…” Murdoc breathes, “about this morning- “-it’s fine-“-because, I want you to know that-“-I said it’s fine, Murdoc.”

 Russel turns to lay on his back, and Murdoc stops talking. With the way Russel has been interrupting Murdoc, it’s clear that there’s something he’s been waiting to say. Something he’s been sitting on all day. Murdoc feels too guilty to not let him finally say it.

“You don’t love me. That’s okay.”

Murdoc frowns at how carelessly Russel says it, how he dismisses it entirely, and can feel his hypocrisy coiling in his stomach along with the beer and the awkward conversations with strangers instead of his boyfriend who’s laying next to him, defeated. Then, as if on a whim, Russel concludes, “I don’t love you either.”

Then he turns on his side, his back to Murdoc, leaving Murdoc speechless.

“W-what?”

“Goodnight,” Russel says, putting an end to the conversation.

In ten minutes, Russel is fast asleep. But Murdoc stares at the ceiling, feeling really cold, and really shitty. His night was about as good as his morning.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Murdoc doesn’t wake up with Russel by his side. When he makes his way downstairs, the morning talk show has already reached the dog segment. Noodle and Stuart are on the sofa, sharing a tub of ice cream for breakfast.

“You’re gonna be late for your early bike riding,” Noodle greets. Murdoc ignores her giggling and Stuart’s confused face, walking past them to find Russel in the kitchen.

Russel doesn’t look in the least bit as upset as Murdoc is. He’s just casually pouring his morning coffee like he always does. As though nothing happened. Murdoc fiddles with his hands and has trouble making eye contact.

“So… last night, when-“-Murdoc, it’s not a big deal.” Russel smiles at Murdoc, and that weirds Murdoc out more than anything. “You don’t love me, and I don’t love you. We’re just having a good time,” Russel says nonchalantly, seeming rather pleased this morning. Murdoc follows Russel into the living room, trying desperately to find the right words. They had somehow gone back to normal without it feeling normal at all, and Murdoc couldn’t seem to grasp why.

“You can’t just say ‘I don’t love you’ to someone!” Murdoc argues, but is immediately deflected. “You said it to me.” Russel shrugs, then takes a sip of his coffee and pretends to watch the talk show. Something about dyeing hamsters to blend with purses.  

“Hey, for what it’s worth,” Stuart interrupts, lifting his spoonful of ice-cream, “I love both of you guys.”

Neither are impressed by this. Russel walks off, leaving Murdoc frustrated. He takes this out on Stuart, knocking the spoon out of his hand. “Shut up, ‘D. The grownups are talking.”

This prompts Noodle to take her turn to speak. “As great as all of your drama is, Murdoc, you’ve actually got an appointment today. With my friend, Skyler, that is. You remember him, right?”

Murdoc, internally grateful for the distraction, entertains this. “What does he want with me?”

Noodle shrugs, then reaches for the remote on the coffee table. “He wants to talk to you about something. I dunno. He’s gonna be here in an hour.” Murdoc tilts his head, trying to remember what exactly happened last night. “Uh, okay then.”

Noodle switches to the documentary channel, distracting Stuart from his lost spoon to instead learn about meerkats. Murdoc shuffles his feet, searching for conversation. “Er, how did your time with Eliyah go last night?”

Noodle stuffs her face with two spoonfuls of ice cream. “Fine, I guess. She’s more interested in Kia, apparently.” Murdoc makes an acknowledging noise. “Sorry to hear that.”

Then Noodle stuffs her face with more ice cream and glares at Murdoc. “I’m fine.”

 _Yeah_ , Murdoc thinks, _apparently everyone is._

 

* * *

 

“I need you to keep my kit.”

Murdoc’s cigarette hangs in his mouth. He’s staring wide-eyed at Skyler, who’s standing in his doorway with a cardboard box in his hands.

He plucks the cigarette out of his mouth, clears his throat and shifts on his feet. “You wot?”

Skyler sighs and steps forward. “Please Murdoc, I can’t trust myself alone with this thing. I’m trying to stay away from all of this choking-off stuff and I can’t with this sitting around.”

Murdoc squints at Skyler. “Uh, I don’t think I want your bloody wanking kit sitting around _my_ house, either.”

Skyler’s face is miserable as he looks down at the box in his hands in defeat. “Please, please, man. I have this boyfriend, see, and if I fell back into the ol’ gasp-and-goo, it’d break his heart.”

Murdoc’s brows shoot up. A plan unfolds in front of him as he stares at the box. “So, what you’re saying is,” Murdoc leans forward, “is if someone loves you, they _don’t_ want you to asphyxiate yourself?”

Skyler nods weakly. “Yeah, man. It’s really dangerous.”

Murdoc hesitates, wringing his hands and considering if this really is worth a shot. Fuck it, Murdoc decides. It’s not like it’s going to get any worse than it already is. “Okay, I’ll take your jack off kit.”

Skyler smiles. “Thanks so much, Murdoc. This means a lot to me,” he says as he hands the box to Murdoc. “Uh, sure. Whatever.”

 

* * *

 

 

Murdoc peers through the blinds, squinting at every car that passes. Noodle and Stuart have thankfully gone to sleep, apparently tuckered out from a Meerkat Mansion marathon. He has the living room all to himself, and he hurriedly makes his way to the sofa when Russel pulls up in the driveway.

Murdoc sprawls himself over the sofa, throws a hand dramatically over his eyes and mocks an exasperated sigh. All for show, of course, as Russel walks in and takes off his shoes and watches Murdoc with suspicion.

“Um, hey.” Russel greets.

Murdoc sits up, his robe falling off of his shoulders from the abrupt movement. “We need to talk.”

“Okay?” Russel moves to the sofa. Murdoc shifts onto another pillow to make room. He then reaches for the box next to his side and presents it to Russel. “You’re probably wondering what this is.” Russel glances at the box and then looks back at Murdoc. “I wasn’t, but okay.”

Murdoc places his hand on his chest, pulls an exaggerated face. “It’s my auto-erotic asphyxiation kit.” Murdoc confesses, his tone isn’t at all convincing. Russel is still surprised, though. “Your what?”

Murdoc drops the box between them, turns away and continues with the theatrics. “I’ve decided to do the Funky Spiderman.”

Russel furrows his brow in increasing confusion. “Wha-? Funky Spiderman?”

Murdoc drops his tone and explains, “I came up with that one, it’s because he hangs from things and shoots webbing.”

Russel nods in understanding, but then shakes his head in realization. “So, wait, are you telling me you want to… erotically asphyxiate yourself?”

Murdoc nods solemnly and looks down at the box in defeat, trying to mimic the expression Skyler pulled earlier.

“Yes, I do,” Murdoc folds his hands in his lap, “even though it is very dangerous and I could die.”

“Huh,” Russel raises his eyebrows, still not fully understanding where this came fro-

“Now, if you loved me, you probably wouldn’t want me to do it.”

Russel’s eyebrows drop and he rolls his eyes. “Oh,” Russel folds his arms, elongating the vowel, “I get it now.”

Murdoc pouts, looking off to the side. “But because you don’t love me, I can do it, right?”

Without hesitation, Russel places his hand on Murdoc’s shoulder. Yes, finally, he’s going to tell him he loves him and everything is going to go back to normal again and Murdoc won’t have to wake up alone in the mornings anymore and he won’t have to suffer from consequences for his actions ever again.

“Do it.” Russel says, and this time Murdoc is the one thrown for a loop. “Wait, seriously?”

Russel gets up from the sofa, pulling that fake smile once again. “Well it seems like you’ve already made up your mind,” Russel says, placing his hand on his hip, “if you’re that set on it, knock yourself out.”

Murdoc, still set on the plan, pushes forward. “Only if I do it wrong! Because, like I said, it’s very dangerous.”

Russel walks away, waving as he does so. “Have fun!”

“I’m really going to do it!” Murdoc calls.

“Great! Put a towel down.” Russel calls back. “But not one of the good ones!”

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh, look who survived to masturbate another day,” Russel comments, pouring his coffee. Murdoc zips up his jacket, trying to quickly come up with an excuse.

“Well, I- uh, haven’t done it yet! Obviously,” Murdoc stuffs his hands in his pockets, “if I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right. A big job, with lemons and so forth. This _is_ my orgasm we’re talking about.” Murdoc then pulls out his hands and rests them on his hips in defiance, but Russel only smirks at him.

“Okay, I wish you all the best.”

“It’s not too late to stop me!”

“I’m not going to stop you.”

Russel turns to Murdoc in the living room, the two mirroring each other with their hands on their hips and hard looks on their faces.

“Good! Because don’t.” Murdoc says, and Russel rolls his eyes. “Alright then, we’re in agreement.”

“STOP FIGHTING!” Stuart yells, leaping from the sofa and landing squarely on his feet. He stands between them, looking at them both with an angry face.

“Can’t you two see what you’re doing? Because of all this fighting, I-I’ve been acting out!”

And to prove it, Stuart lifts his leg and weakly kicks the ottoman, resulting in it falling on its side.

Russel, after examining the damage with a brief glance, turns away from the scene as quickly as possible. “Have a great day!” he calls, shutting the door behind him.

Murdoc and Stuart stand in the living room, staring at the ottoman for a long moment of silence before Murdoc pipes up. “2D, get in the car. It’s time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

 

* * *

 

 

Stuart is sitting snug in the cart with a copy of a new Spiderman comic he swiped from the counter. Murdoc pushes the cart along looking around the hardware store with little to no knowledge about actual hardware.

“Now, play it cool, ‘D.” Murdoc whispers, glaring at whoever passes them. “No one needs to know why we’re here.”

Stuart licks his thumb before he turns the page and nods, making an affirming noise.

Murdoc approaches the first employee he comes by and not so discreetly stuffs his hand in his pocket and leans forward to whisper. “I’m looking for something that can hold up a lot of weight. Let’s say, a man, comfortably from the neck.”

The employee looks suspiciously at Murdoc.          

“Not for suicide purposes,” Murdoc clarifies.

The employee looks sceptically at Stuart in the cart.

Murdoc rubs the back of his neck and sighs. “I’m trying to achieve a more fulfilling orgasm.”

 

* * *

 

 

Noodle trips over a toolbox.

“What the fuck?” she groans, getting back up on her feet. She finds stacks of wood and rope laying in the hallway, and it leads her to Murdoc’s room. Three construction men are setting up some kind of wooden frame for Murdoc’s bed, with levers and rope and…

“Murdoc?” Noodle calls, and yelps when he suddenly appears by her side. “What is this?” she gestures to wooden frame, and Murdoc tips his helmet. “Oh, it’s for my whole auto-erotic asphyxiation shtick.”

Noodle’s horrified face fills Murdoc in on the fact that Noodle still doesn’t know about this. He explains, but she just looks even more horrified.

“Oh, my God.” she flails her arms, “Why can’t you just tell him how you feel? Why can’t he? You’re both old men who’ve known each other for twenty years for fuck’s sake! Now you’re fucking around with this asphyxiation shit – and you can’t even keep your toolboxes out of the hallway for me not to trip over and then get roped into this nonsense. Jesus fucking Christ, Murdoc. This is just embarrassing.”

“How else am I meant to find out if he loves me?” Murdoc argues flippantly.

Noodle pinches the bridge of her nose. “I’m so done with you two.”

“Hey,” Murdoc says, “if you’re such an expert at relationships, how’s that thing with Eliyah going?”

“That’s not the same thing,” Noodle defends, folding her arms.

“Have _you_ told her how you feel?” Murdoc asks with a smirk. After a beat of silence, Noodle huffs through her nose. “Fuck you.” she says, and stomps off.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh boy” Russel mutters, standing in the doorway, taking one good look at the contraption Murdoc had built especially for his new masturbation technique. What a joy.

It’s so late, and Russel would much prefer to go to sleep than deal with this, but he closes the door behind him anyway.

“Hey, I wasn’t sure if I’d still see you-“

“-alive?” Murdoc jumps up from tightening a knot near the foot of the bed. “Because aut-erotic asphyxiation is so risky? Well, here I am. For now.”

Murdoc grips the noose hanging from above, attached to the wooden frame. Russel looks over all of the weights and levers and shakes his head at how ridiculous this whole thing has become. “God, Murdoc-“ and then Russel sees it.

“Wait, did you fix the bed?” Russel points at one of the feet of the bed, all brand new and sturdy. Murdoc shrugs.

“Yeah, I was at the hardware store picking up supplies and I figured I would get some stuff fixed so, y’know, you can get a good night’s sleep. Did you get your Xanax? I left them on the counter.”

Russel takes a moment to look at Murdoc, and how thoughtful he’s being. This really was stupid, whatever they were doing. Russel is forty years old, dammit, he doesn’t need to fight over “ _I love you_ “s like some fourth grader. His shoulders sag as he sighs.

“Murdoc, what is this all about?”

Murdoc’s pulls up his shoulders. “This isn’t about anything but achieving an orgasm that feels like a rainbow, but with all of the colours!”

“So, like a regular rainbow?” Russel tilts his head. Murdoc frowns.

“No...”

Murdoc then proceeds to get back to the noose, sticking his head through it and reaching for the lever. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to have a wank.” Murdoc grumbles as he unzips his pants, and pulls the lever, having the noose tighten itself around his neck as the bags of sand behind him fall to act as counter-weight.

Russel, annoyed, may know better, but he’s still stubborn. “Fine, have fun,“ he says, then opens the door.

Before the door shuts behind Russel, it dawns on Murdoc the reality of the situation, and he moves. Unfortunately, Murdoc forgets the noose tight around his neck and he chokes instantly. It isn’t pleasant.

Russel runs in immediately in panic. “Oh my God, you stupid baby! Okay, okay I love you now please stop you fucking idiot!”

Murdoc snaps back to reality with that statement and reaches for the noose to loosen its grip. “I knew it!” his voice is broken and he points accusingly at Russel. “I fucking knew it!”

“But,” Russel folds his arms, “I’m not going to tell you not to do the… Funky Spiderman.”

Murdoc holds onto the noose. “What?”

“You need to be responsible for yourself,” Russel decides.

“That doesn’t sound like me.” Murdoc says, his voice still hoarse.

“I know,” Russel smirks, “but if you love me too, you wouldn’t do it.”

Murdoc hesitates, then removes himself from the noose with a grunt.

“I thought so” Russel says with a smile. Murdoc zips himself up, embarrassed at what just took place. “It’s not because I love you, it’s because I’m a coward, alright?”

Russel shrugs and turns to leave. Soon, Murdoc follows after him.

“I don’t love you!” “I heard you.” “I don’t!” “Suuuure.”

 

* * *

 

Murdoc places the glass of water on the bedside table and shifts back under the sheets. He turns to Russel, who’s laying comfortably on his back with his eyes closed ready to lull off to sleep. They’re in Russel’s bed, and Murdoc hadn’t realized how bare Russel’s room was until now. It’s strangely telling.

“Hey, Russel,” Murdoc whispers, his throat feeling much better. “Yeah?” Russel whispers back. Murdoc doesn’t hesitate when he says it.

“I love you.”

“I know that” Russel replies.

Murdoc frowns slightly, but smiles anyway from the thrill of having said it. What was all the fuss about? He should’ve done that ages ago.

“Noodle has a girlfriend,” Murdoc adds, only half sure that it’s true. “That’s nice,” Russel says with a yawn, and Murdoc soon has his arms wrapped around him.


End file.
